How many presentations do you do where people are actively positive towards your message?
And how many are to a group who are somewhat hostile?
I thought so.
Conflict comes from people feeling certain about their point of view.
You can’t wait for others to see it your way. In order to change the situation, you have to go there first.
If you want to minimise the effects of a conflict situation, see things from their point of view.
But really.
If you do so, you’ll find you’re able to structure your communication (and your delivery of your communication) in a way that paradoxically makes it easier for people to come around to your point of view.
But in order for this to work, you have to genuinely turn things around in your own head.
Here’s how.
How to see things from someone else’s point of view
~ Remember when you have been misunderstood
To get ready for this work, think of all those times when someone has taken something ‘the wrong way’. They thought you were serious when you were joking, they thought you were furious when you weren’t in the slightest, they thought you were unhappy when you were just distracted.
Notice how you were often oblivious that there was a problem, and how easily things were sorted once you knew.
Think of times when you got it wrong, when you thought your colleague was really annoyed with you but they just were just busy, or you thought the new guy was snubbing you when in fact he’s just shy. You think there’s a problem because you sent an email and didn’t get a reply, when actually it was still in your draft folder, or the person was on holiday, or in fact, they’d read it, taken action, but just forgot to reply.
Remember how convinced you were that there was a problem, and how surprised you were when you found out the other side.
Or even more basic misunderstandings when things have been misheard, or information didn’t get through, or you find out there are bigger factors involved than you knew about.
Human communication is messy. People are involved with a thousand things all at once, both in their working life and their non-working life. Misunderstandings happen. A lot.
Bear that in mind as we move forward.
Forget what you know
Think about this group of people. If you had only had their experiences, what would you know? What would you suspect? What would you be feeling? This is not theoretical exercise – something like this is genuinely what is going on inside their heads.
Give them the benefit of the doubt, not you
There is often a gap between the intention behind our communication and the impact it has. Just for a minute, think about the communication you’ve received from them. Interpret it in the most positive way you can. At least momentarily, be compassionate and allow the possibility that what you’ve taken as hostile or negative might be coming from a different place.
The flip side of this is: think about what and how you’ve communicated to them. What’s the most negative way they could have misunderstood you?
Now. What might the ramifications be if that was actually what’s happened?
Be very very wary of labels
The are no negative people. There are no hostile people. There are just people who’ve had a set of experiences that have led them to see things in a particular way. Take off the labels and see how much you can empathise with their situation.
Work out where you might actually be wrong
When going into a negotiation, traditional wisdom says that you should be arriving with strong arguments for ‘your’ side, and ready to pick holes in ‘their’ side.
I invite you to do exactly the opposite.
Think about what you consider to be the facts in this situation.
Now, thoroughly consider how you might actually be wrong.
They want 99% uptime, and you absolutely know that can’t be done with this set-up. How might you be wrong?
They want the project done with half the budget and you just know that’s impossible. How might you be wrong.
Even: They want 99% uptime. They want the project done with half the budget. Might you be wrong even about those things?
Don’t stop until you feel different
Keep going until you think: Huh, maybe they do have a point. Maybe we are in the wrong here. I can totally see how they’ve gotten to where they are.
Allow this change to inform how you approach the presentation.
Next step…
So far this is just work you’ve done inside your head. The next step is to think how this might affect how you start your presentation and the language you use.
More soon…
Photo credit: asafantman
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